Rules of Engagement

Steve here, making my blogging debut. For this special occasion, I really wanted to write about which stamps we were going to use for our save-the-dates and wedding invitations, but somebody already used that idea.

So what to write about? I thought to myself, there are a lot of minefields out there when talking about wedding planning with your fiancee. Now that Kara and I have been engaged for just over one year, I have become somewhat of an expert on these so-called "Rules of Engagement." I write now to share a few of these for the benefit for all bro-kind.

Rule No. 1

The first rule of engagement is that there shall be no jokes when talking about wedding planning. This is serious business, my friends--trust me.

The first clue that the mirth of your engagement has been eclipsed by the planning of your pending nuptials--and that, therefore, no wedding-planning-related jokes should be made--typically comes in the form of the arrival of sack of 25 pounds of wedding magazines.

In case you missed this potentially subtle indicator, do not fret. There is a second phase of warnings, typified by the appearance of an assortment of excel spreadsheets on your computer desktop (e.g., master wedding guest list, master wedding budget, master list of ice sculptors in Yellowstone County specializing in small woodland creatures, etc.) and scraps of the aforementioned wedding magazines strewn about the house, waiting to meet their gluey fate in your fiancee's wedding scrapbook.

If you fail to heed this cautionary tale, unto the breach you will go, my friends. For instance, while you may relish the awesomeness of a Star Wars themed wedding, pontification about your bride wearing a full-body Chewbacca costume with a tiara will be met with scathing disapproval from your betrothed. Suddenly you will realize that an easy laugh is not worth the verbal disembowelment. Wedding planning is no laughing matter. Think of it this way, would you like your fiancee to joke about the size of your penis?

Rule No. 2

The second rule is that one shall listen very closely to his fiancee as she explains to him the minutiae of wedding planning. While it would be easy to zonk out, daydreaming about your next Grand Theft Auto mission, do not take this road. You must learn the art of active listening, or risk being subject to random comprehension and approval testing ("so which swatch do you think will go better with the chivari chairs?"). Failure of these pop quizzes on more than one occasion may lead to an onslaught of irrational, rhetorical questions, including "Do you even want to get married?" and "Do you even care how the universe will see us as a married couple?" Just repeat after me: "I am sorry honey, of course I do. Can you repeat that last part? I had just been thinking about whether we should go with 'plum' rather than 'aubergine' as our color palette."

Rule No. 3

The third--and most important--rule is that, during any battle, the general is always right. You need to know the chain of command. Your fiancee will always outrank you. Always. Although this sounds like an adversarial process, wedding planning can actually be quite fun, you get to do it with the woman of your dreams. If you play your cards right, you may also find activities that you enjoy (e.g., wedding cake tasting, food tastings, etc.), so long as you remember the most important maxim: just as it is in marriage, your lady is always boss.

"He who knows when he can fight and when he cannot, will be victorious."

Sun Tzu, The Art of War