Guest Blogger: Eric Nicholson (#24, Back-up Best Man)

So up to this point, I’ve been watching from the sidelines. I’ve watched this wedding get further and further off track. Talk about the rings, the dress, and tuxedoes have taken the focus away from where it really needs to be. It’s not about cakes, exotic honeymoon locations, or themes.
It’s about us. The people who aren’t getting married. We deserve a spectacle for our effort. We deserve our money’s worth. And for me, in the case of the non-functional bread maker I plan to give you that can come to around $5. So let’s make it count.
So what am I doing about it? I’m taking my expertise (at no additional fee to you) and designing the perfect wedding for you. That’s right. Time out of my busy life to fix what, in the end, will just be another series of the food, drinks, and clothes that will categorize Steve’s next public vomiting. Note to self: Bring Wet-wipes. I’ve broken it down number by number



(1) Let’s start by addressing the ‘theme’ – one of your first posts and the source of significant debate. Easy decision: Star Wars. Affordable and awesome.
We’ll wear this:




Your cake will look like this:




Your dress:



The ring bearers:


Entrance to your reception:



(2) Ring. So basically, I just took care of the theme, cake and dress in one massive badass ‘Mike-Wasser-esque’ move. Editors note: Mike Wasser -still single, ladies.



Well I’m not done. Let’s take a look at the rings. What Steve’s current wedding band says: “I’m so boring and uninteresting that the one lady on planet earth who can stand my all-day non-stop talk about the machinations Washington juvenile legal affairs and Gossip Girl has locked me down with this piece of metal.” Now, how about something that says: “This hairy Jewish playa’ is off limits, bitch.” That’s what I thought. Enter the candidates:
a. Broncos 1986 AFC Championship ring. Tough to miss this one at the Washington State Bar Association’s ‘Business Law Section Mini-CLE Mixer’ Inscribed on the inside: I did it all for the nookie.




b. Nuff said. This also leaves a massive tan-line in case Steve takes it off and gets a little ‘forgetful.’





c. Again, who’s going to try and lay their hands on a dude with this thing on. Answer: Nobody.

(3) Reception. These days it’s not just enough to have a bad-ass wedding. Your reception needs to rock everyone’s balls off. Here are some required elements to really get things to the next level.





Transportation to and from the reception: It doesn’t get any more badass than this. Especially when you leave for your honeymoon peeling out.

Dunk Tank. Don’t worry, I have a massive American flag. And yes, I’ll bring it. That’s how much you both mean to me. A lot more practical than a climbing wall.




The Band: Pretty sure these guys will play at your wedding for something in your price range. I think Master P may also be available.

I’ll let you digest all the awesomeness. It can be a little overwhelming taken all at once. I recommend watching the video for November Rain (GNR) if you need further inspiration. Don’t thank me now. Just get me awesome Back-Up Best Man gift. Common etiquette dictates a samurai sword or a remote control submarine. I’ve said too much already –I don’t want to spoil the surprise.

Sincerely,
Eric Nicholson
#24, Back-Up Best Man